Stimulus/response

I don’t remember the first time I heard that Viktor Frankl quote about stimulus and response, but it’s stayed with me over the years, proving helpful in any number of circumstances. If you don’t know the quote that I’m talking about, it goes like this:

Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

I first heard the quote when I was being introduced to nonviolent communication and was just starting to deeply understand the difference between "stimulus” and “response” in my own emotional life. For example, prior to that, I believed that to say that someone “made” me mad, was a perfectly normal and accurate way to describe a situation in which my needs were grossly and intentionally disregarded. In other words, such a stimulus (the person’s disregard of my needs) and the response (my anger) were inextricably linked. So to learn that my anger, while it might be a reasonable, common, or expected response to a particular stimulus, might not be the only possible response was very compelling to me. And, for me, this quote was a beautiful reminder.

Today I teach on a variety of topics (including nonviolent communication) but what all of the topics I teach have in common is that they’re all focused on fostering empathetic and compassionate connections, whether it's with ourselves or with others. And fostering these types of connections require spending meaningful, intentional time in that space between stimulus and response. What this often means is that, when faced with a stimulus that might otherwise be unsettling or upsetting, we take a moment to pause before moving into our typical coping mechanisms. Some coping mechanisms are praised and celebrated (moving into “fix it” mode or being productive in any way are some that come to my mind); others we recognize may provide immediate relief in the moment but may also have painful consequences later (think: uncontrolled rage, many addictive/compulsive tendencies). But what they all have in common is that to engage in them is to skip over that pause—that “space” that Frankl is talking about.

So, the next time you encounter a stimulus that would typically prompt you to engage in some coping behavior, be willing to pause before you respond. And in that pause, notice the feelings coming up. Notice any urges you have to engage in habitual or compulsive behavior. If it’s practical, close the eyes and notice what feelings are coming up in the body. Perhaps you’ll want to take some slow, deep breaths. And once you feel confidence that you can take an intentional, choiceful action in response to the stimulus—rather than a habitual or compulsive one—do so.

Being willing to pause—to sit in that space—can be deeply uncomfortable. And in cases of trauma and addiction, support may be helpful or necessary. But it’s in that space that we find the way to our growth and freedom.